Intro: [musical interlude]
Jessica Stover: This recording is an offering of Networks for
Training and Development’s Online University.
Tracy Lapreziosa: Welcome to “Getting Back to Communication
Basics”, a series of webinars, podcasts and other information
regarding the many ways we communicate.
Joe Murphy: Hello, and welcome. My name is Joe Murphy and
welcome to today’s session: Everyone Communicates.
Jessica Stover: Thanks so much, Joe. Hi, everyone. I'm so
thrilled y'all are joining today for this session, Everyone
Communicates. I just want to share a little bit about me and
kind of why we're doing this. So again, my name is Jessica
Stover. I've been with Networks' now for gosh, 15 or 16 years,
quite quite some time. And I've had the honor of doing extensive
support and work with people and their teams surrounding
communication and how to listen differently to people that don't
use, quote unquote, “traditional forms of communication” ,
meaning speech. I've been under the tutelage of Rosa McAllister.
She's the co-founder of Networks for Training and Development.
I've had the honor of working with also Joe Murphy at
Networks', past employees, Beth McKeown, in addition to Martha
Leary (who I’ll reference later during this session - she's a
fantastic speech and language pathologist at of Nova Scotia,
Canada), as well as Anne Donnellan (who's a professor, I
believe at San Diego and formerly the University of
Wisconsin), and countless, countless others, but really the
greatest teachers that I've had the honor to walk with and learn
from are those who we've been honored to support.
So this session isn't necessarily going to be touching
on the actual assistive technology pieces themselves.
But more of what we call "soft" assistive technology, the soft
side, the supports that are involved to really hear people.
Again, we come from the thinking at Networks' and the knowledge
base deep in our gut, and we know in our souls, that everyone
communicates. Period. That's why there's the period in the title
of the session, Everyone Communicates. Period. I don't
care who you are, you are expressing yourself all the
time. And hopefully, this session is going to aid you in
maybe hearing more of a person's native voice and their "code",
if you will, more effectively. I also hope that you might develop
a healthy skepticism about people, as well as the labels
that may be attached to them. And finally, we hope you're
going to learn some alternative ways to hear and also support
everyone's communication.
So this thing, what is communication? Communication,
it's a collaborative effort. There's the give and there, and
there's the take, right? It's a collaborative effort between two
people which considers eye contact, context, body language,
and posture. And when I say eye contact, there could also be no
eye contact. The context of what is being said is just as
important. The body language which you are noticing, comes
into play, and the posture or posturing of a person. So a
great example, when I did this session in person, and if you're
listening to this session now at a later date, we're doing this
online, of course, because we are in the midst still of the
COVID-19 global pandemic. So this topic is so important, we
felt the need to continue it and to take it to a larger audience
because now more than ever, people need to be heard. And
people's voices, and thoughts and opinions need to be heard.
They need to be understood. And frankly, they need to be
honored. So these are some tools to help you in doing that. But
when I would do this in person, I would be up in front of the
room. And I would give these examples and be gesturing. And
of course you know now you're only relying on my voice and for
me to paint a picture with my words, but kind of imagine
you're in a room with someone and they're giving a
presentation and their phone rings and they decide to take
that phone call. And they turn their back on the audience. And
they have their conversation and then they turn back to the
audience and continue the training. So what did that
communicate? They never said they weren't engaged or
interested. But clearly by that action, by their change in
posture, by the body language they gave, they weren't taking
what they were doing very seriously, were they? All of
this adds up again, to this give and take of communication and
how we interpret it.
So, in thinking about this further, what if there is no eye
contact? What if someone's body language is unclear? What if
there is non-typical communicative posture? Does that
mean, there is no communication occurring between you and the
person, between the person that's receiving the
communication and the one that is giving it? So, I want to
again, stress the no eye contact, I know many people, and
there's times myself included where eye contact, when talking
to someone just becomes too difficult. And things come into
play to influence that. One, it could be a cultural impact,
where you don't give eye contact to the person because of who
that person is, who their stature is within the community.
You may not give eye contact, or receive eye contact from a
person because it's just too hard. It's too emotional,
there's too much going on. The face in and of itself, if we
think about it, your face, there's a lot going on, we got
the eyes, your nose, your mouth, there's teeth in there, the
tongues moving around, saliva, it's - the face can be a whole
lot going on, and it can be too much to look at and then still
focus on what's being said, when you're receiving or giving the
communication. Sometimes you get distracted by someone's earrings
- I remember I was talking to someone and I was really trying
too hard to listen to them. But I was and it was a female and I
was so entranced by their earrings, I caught myself kind
of spacing off to the side of, "I wonder where they got those
earrings, I wonder if they still have them, oh do I have time to
go get those earrings?" and I didn't hear a darn thing they
said. Because I just couldn't listen, because I got myself
distracted. But sometimes when not giving that eye contact, we
can listen more deeply. And I know that to be true for so many
people. So please, if someone is not looking at you when they're
talking, or if someone is not looking, you know, just period,
please don't make the leap that they're not listening or they're
not paying attention to you or they're not being truthful, or
they're anything like that there could be hundreds of other
things going on, of why that's happening.
How are we all expressing our thoughts and ideas? We do that
through gestures. And when I'm talking to you, now I am, I am
gesturing wildly in the air with my hands to get my point across.
Some people will, you know, give facial expression, they may
smile more when they're speaking. And sometimes you can
hear someone's smile come through. I'm smiling right now.
So maybe you can hear my smile coming through. The posture of a
person gives communication, gives more context to that
communication. The eye contact again, or lack of eye contact.
The tone and timbre of the voice or sounds. And I want to touch
on this a little bit. But we're going to talk about it a little
bit more further on. So a great example of this - and many
people I've met in my life and you all probably know many
people as well - yes does not always mean yes, correct? How
you say Yes, doesn't always mean that. So a great example, I was
talking to my significant other the other day and I said, "Hey,
do you want to go with me to the grocery store?" And his response
was, "Yeah...". Not super excited. He said yes in the
affirmative. Yes, he wanted to go. But his yes, the tone the
"yeah..." had a totally different meaning, didn't it? He
didn't want to go. So many people I've been with, that I've
had the honor to support will say yes to everything. Because
they are tuned in to being agreeable. So they'll say yes to
everything. There was a gentleman that I supported that
said yes to absolutely everything I said. And I could
not get him to disagree with me. I wanted him so badly to
disagree with me. And finally, he had a communication device
with him and it had yes and no programmed into it. He kept
hitting Yes. And I kept asking him, "Do you want to leave?" and
he kept on I'm sorry, I had asked him if he wanted to stay
where we were. And he kept hitting Yes. But he would turn
and go to the door and jiggle the doorknob, telling me
otherwise. And finally, I said to him, "Michael, will you
please, please have an opinion? What do you want to do? Do you
want to stay?" And he looked me dead in the eye, he slammed down
the No button, went over to the door, ripped it open and took
off outside. It was the most beautiful thing. Now that
happened 12 years ago, and I still remember it clear as day
because we had a breakthrough that day. He clearly expressed
his opinion, he had to be pushed. He had to be kind of
conjoled a little bit or what have you. But he said exactly
what he wanted and he got his point across clearly and
effectively.
The additional piece of this - how we are all expressing our
thoughts and ideas, emotion, or lack of emotion - comes into
play as well. I wanted to state this, because there's still
thought in the world, that for some people, there need to be
cognitive prerequisites, to really be listening to how
someone communicates. Some of these you may have heard of are:
someone who is able to show and demonstrate object permanence,
who is able to demonstrate cause and effect, who's able to
initiate, someone who can do matching (matching meaning put
the red on the red, put the cow on the picture of the cow put
the letter A on the letter A), someone who is exhibiting
intentional communication. But at the end of the day, this is a
readiness model. People are already communicating. They're
already there. They're already doing it. And we really, I think
this is my opinion, I think we really do a disservice to folks,
when we put these barriers in front of them to say, "Well,
before you can move on to the next step of getting a device or
doing whatever, you have to show me or tell me this way", where
in fact, it's already going on, they're already doing it, but in
their own way. We need to be able as the support person, as
the friend, as the family, as the coworker, as the human in
the world, we need to listen differently. There's a beautiful
quote, by Margaret J. Wheatley: "Listening is such a simple act.
It requires us to be present. And that takes practice. But we
don't have to do anything else. We don't have to advise, or
coach, or sound wise, we just have to be willing to sit there
and listen." Phenomenal. If we just think about that for a
minute. We don't have to do anything. Just sit there and
listen and be present. And how difficult is it to be present? I
don't know about everyone else here. But I have a running to-do
list going on in my head 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
And it takes a lot of work to quiet that little "monkey mind"
as I call it, to quiet it down, shut that down and be present.
Literally with you all right now, on this webinar. We just
have to be present. But we've got to practice being present.
So how do we listen differently? I already talked about it. First
things first: slow down. Slowing ourselves down allows us to be
present and be with people. And the fun part comes in: you start
to notice what you notice. Now this notice what you notice.
There's actually a quote, this comes from a beloved mentor, Dr.
Christine Berry. She was -- this is one of her mantras and it
became one of ours at Networks' too: "Notice what you notice."
Everything means something. We don't do things just to do
things. It's all communication. So the example that I give for
folks, if I am sitting in a chair and I'm talking to someone
and my leg is bouncing up and down, my leg bouncing up and
down means something. It could mean a variety of different
things. It could mean 10 things at once, but it's not happening
in a vacuum and it's not happening with no association
whatsoever, it means something. When I am, say still sitting in
that chair, and you might see me scratching the pants, on my leg,
like trying to scratch my leg, maybe what's happening -- it's
not just me scratching my leg, maybe my leg's itchy, there's a
deeper meaning, remember. Maybe my leg is itchy. Maybe I'm
nervous. Maybe I'm itching my leg because I like how the
fabric feels under my fingernail, as I'm giving
pressure and I'm dragging my fingernail up and down. And
maybe it's calming to me, because maybe I'm nervous.
Everything has a reason, everything has a communication.
And that's what's at the heart of all of this.
Another quote-- At Networks', we love quotes, we love them. So
this next is from John Lubbock: "What we see depends mainly what
you look for". I'm going to say it again, "What we see depends
mainly on what we look for." Notice what you notice. If I'm
with someone, and all I'm looking for is the negative, all
I'm going to see is the negative. If I'm supporting
someone, if I'm with a person, and I know they have a
reputation of being difficult, all I'm gonna see is that
difficult side. For those of us who might support someone who
experiences mental illness, or someone who is diagnosed with an
intellectual disability, or what have you. And they are known for
challenging the system, if you will. And all we're looking for
are the negative side of things, or I'm going to put it in air
quotes, "behaviors". We all have behaviors, people. But that's
all we're looking for, that's all we're going to see. But
again, it shouldn't be surprising to you all at this
point, behavior = communicate. Behavior is communication. And
I'm going to give you some examples here as we move
forward. So here's the challenge for you all. And as I'm talking
here, I want you to think about those in your life that you
support. How did they indicate yes and no? How do they indicate
and tell you or others in their life, "I want" or "I don't
want"? Or "I like" or "I don't like"? Oftentimes when we ask
this question, "How does Mike tell you yes and no?", the
person will say (the support person, the family member, the
Support Coordinator, whomever), generally they'll say, "Well,
Mike doesn't communicate. Mike doesn't speak." So then we start
to dig deeper. Well, how does Mike tell you when you want
something? "Well, he'll go and get it." Isn't that a
communication? Isn't that an affirmative? What about when he
likes something? "Oh, well, when he he really loves orange
juice." Well, how do you know? "Well, every time he takes a
drink of orange juice he gets a big smile on his face." Isn't
that a communication? Isn't that a yes? Isn't that a "I like
something"?
Here's an example from my own life. And I never noticed this.
someone pointed this out to me. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I
never even realized this before. You can only notice it in the
summertime, or when I'm like wearing socks. So when I have
shoes on, you're not going to pick up on it if we ever have
the lovely wonderful opportunity of even meeting in person. When
I'm drinking something I really love. So my secret sin is Coca
Cola. I love Coca Cola. I can't help myself. I know it's
terrible for me. I love it. So I limit myself to one week,
usually on a Saturday. But I personally noticed when I was
taking a sip of Coca Cola and I would be standing upright, they
would notice that I would lift the front of my feet off the
ground. And they thought that was kind of peculiar, but they
said well, they didn't say anything because the only maybe
she does that all the time when she's drinking something. And
this is actually my significant other, my guy, my my Pete, if
you will, he noticed it. And finally after a couple weeks, he
pointed it out he said, "Jess, every time you drink a Coca Cola
you lift your, the front of your feet off the ground. Why do you
do that?" Like I don't know. I guess it's because I love Coke.
I love Coca Cola so much. That's a communication. I didn't I
don't have to say "I love Coke" to drink Coca Cola. My body is
telling you. My body is communicating this. And when he
saw this and pointed it out, I just, it was just so wild to me.
It was something I didn't even know and realize I was doing.
But he noticed it. So again, go back to the mantra: Notice what
you notice. Everything has a meaning. Now, I'm not to say you
go out and start analyzing every single person you come in
contact with. But it's just increasing your awareness, and
particularly those who are in your life. And that you may not
always understand what they're trying to tell you. So with yes
and no, with any communication, quite frankly, it can be subtle.
But frankly, it absolutely will be subtle. The person may not
give eye contact, or they might. But you also need to look at the
body language. Again, look at the posture. And even look, if
you're able to or sense or feel, feel a shift in the couch, if
you're not able to see them and be with them, pick up on these
different things: a shift of the body, how it shifts if you're
sitting on the couch beside each other how the cushion may shift.
It's a communication that means something. So I'm going to take
a pause for just a minute. Any questions? Again, you can use
the chat box, you can use the q&a. Any of those things,
otherwise, I will move ahead.
Rosa McAllister: This is Rosa, Jess. There is a comment, one
comment in our chat area. And it says that, "Like Precious Pup,
when he ate his dog treats, he'd go through this whole bit."
Jessica Stover: That's fantastic! See, everyone,
everything communicates. There's communication all around us all
the time. I have three lovely pups here at home. Three German
Shepherds, and they all have very unique personalities. Now
right now they're all asleep. And I'm hoping they stay that
way to be perfectly honest. But they all communicate in very
different ways to get their point across to me. Maggie is a
little more aggressive with her communication to say, "hey, pay
attention to me", she'll whack me with her call. Sasha is a
little more subtle, she'll come up and just kind of nudged me,
just with her nose on my hand. And then our oldes, Smokey, he's
a little more laid back, he'll just stare me down. He just
stares me down. You know, this is a great example. Thanks so
much for that comment.
Rosa McAllister: Great, and somebody raised their hand. Let
me see if I can unmute them. We also had someone ask, "will we
get a copy of the slides afterwards?" And maybe they put
their hand down... sorry.
Jessica Stover: Well, if you decide you do have a question,
go ahead and jump in. And to address the question: "Will
there be a copy of the slides?" Thanks so much, Rosa. Yes.
Rosa McAllister: Great. Thanks, Jess. And yes, I did open up
that person. I have unmuted you. So if you have a question, go
ahead.
Kris (Attendee): I'm Kris.
Rosa McAllister: Hi Kris.
Kris (Attendee): Well, I was just remembering something.
Like, I know that this sort of thing happened. And I'm thinking
a couple of times, like, I'll give you a good example of
something that-- I was shopping a few months back with a youn
, young family member. And we we e in there and we were in t
e Dollar Tree and we're looki g around for these dolls and stu
f and everything. She's thinkin , "Oh wow, I want a Rockstar do
l you know, and this is going o be the winner." And everythi
g was fine. We were all gonna o out there, [indiscernible] unt
l we pass the Frozen books. And I just, you know, knew that th
t that Rockstar doll was gon a stay behind that day. And th
t book was going to be back wi h u
Jessica Stover: [laughs] And just that simple pause, right?
Kris (Attendee): Yeah, you can just tell things with people
like that. Like "oh..." [Jess: Thanks so much, Kris]
Jessica Stover: Yup. Yeah, thanks for sharing. Thank you.
Rosa McAllister: There's another person just, um, that I just
unmuted that also had their hand raised.
Suzanne Erb: Hi, it's Suzanne. And I'd just like to point out
another instance, when sometimes eye contact might not be might
not be available. Some sometimes I for example, as a blind
person, may be looking at somebody that I thought I wasn't
looking at or not looking at somebody that I thought I was.
And I'll never forget the time I was at some kind of some kind of
event. And I was looking at [indiscernible], what I thought
was looking at someone, and trying to explain to them that
that I needed something in an accessible format. And another
person thought that I was looking at them and said, "I'm
not responsible for putting anything in, in any kind of
format for you." And I said, I wasn't talking to you. And she
said, "Yeah, but you were looking at me, of course, you
were looking at me, you meant me." And, and that's another,
another instance, where you can't always necessarily assume
what body language means. And there's sometimes that I know
that I don't always I don't always use body language in the
way that I might mean it because I've never seen it before. So I
don't know, necessarily what my body language is saying. And
that might be the actual opposite of what I'm trying to
convey. So it's really important to, to try to figure out use use
all kinds of methods. And, and so not everybody will
communicate the same way. Thanks.
Jessica Stover: Thanks so much, Suzanne. Those are excellent
points. And you're absolutely right. There's so many different
ways, so many different ways. And the best thing we can do is
be curious, ask questions. And, frankly, communication is a
dance. We need to be engaging with people and asking
frequently, when we're not sure. Did I get that right? Am I
hearing you right? And apologize if you didn't, and let people
know you're there to believe and really want to hear them. It's
SO important.
So I referenced I talked about Martha Leary earlier. I'm going
to give a little plug. So this is again, me giving the plug but
this is one of the most wonderful books and enlightening
books I've ever read. And it's still in print. And it was
written by Martha Leary and Anne Donnellan. And it's entitled,
"Autism: Sensory-Movement Differences and Diversity". And
if this notion of movement, and communication and listening
differently, is appealing for you, I'd encourage you to
explore this book further. She also talks about in other
writings about being a good dance partner, being a good
communication partner with someone and thinking about the
roles that the person wants us to take when we are with them,
whether they're a friend or family member, someone we're
supporting, etc. What role do they want? [clears throat]
Excuse me, from us? What is going to best work for them? How
do they need us to be showing up for them? So think about that
for a minute. Have you considered asking those you're
supporting that you're with, that you're friends with, that
your coworkers are with, that are in your life that you're
paid to support or unpaid to support - how do they want you
to show up in their lives? How can you best listen to them?
What do they need from you? It's a really thing to really drive
home this point further about communication, how we can all
listen differently.
So people always ask, what are our secrets? Well, how do you do
this work? What, how do you guys do this? So okay, here's your
secrets. Here they are out in the open here it is. Believe it.
Communication is there because it is. Think too highly of
people. I'm gonna say it again, think too highly of people. Do
not pay attention. Frankly, I'm saying it -- don't pay attention
to the diagnosis. Don't pay attention to the labels because
they don't mean anything. They mean nothing. They're clinical
in nature and in some places, they serve a purpose. But
frankly, for communication for really being with someone, for
supporting someone to help them live the life that they want...
They don't serve any good purpose. Think too highly of
people. Look for any response, reaction, or possibility. Look
for it. And you're going to find it. Accept anything and
everything as communication because it is. Always, always,
always talk to people directly. And alot. And always keep
looking, connecting and reading people's responses again, going
back to checking in: "Did I get that right?". And when you
don't, when you screw it up, apologize: "I'm sorry, I wasn't
hearing you. I'm sorry, I didn't get it, I really want to. Can we
try again? I want to understand." Do not get stuck on
one magic device when there is assistive technology at play
with folks.
So, then we have some rules here. These aren't hard and
fast. But these are rules that we really work toward, that we
live by that are in our guts, that are in our souls. Rule
Number One: if there is no reason for someone to
communicate, there's not going to be any communication, period.
So we got stories. Again, we love quotes, we also love
stories at Networks'. A couple years ago, I want to say it was
about 10 years ago, we were holding a day where we were
meeting with people and their teams to help them be heard and
try different communication possibilities, different systems
that they could explore further, if they wanted to take those
next steps. And there was a woman that was referred, we're
gonna call her, we're gonna call her Catherine. And she was
referred and they filled out a form, her behavior specialist
filled out the form. And it said she was being referred to us
because she didn't talk she was quote, unquote, "nonverbal". So
she arrives. And as usual, I introduce myself, my coworker
introduces themselves -- Joe, I think you were there with me --
We say hello, ask her if she knows why she's there. She's
just kind of looking at us like who are you? We tell her a
little bit more about ourselves. And I go back to the question
again, "Catherine, do you know why you're why you're here?" and
I pull out the form, I said, your behavior specialist said
it's because you, you're nonverbal. And she looks at both
of us dead in the eye and says, "I can talk." I think you could
hear a pin drop in the room. And we're like, what do you do now?
So we started talking with her more. Well, here, she wasn't
talking to her behavior specialist. She said, "I don't
talk to her because I don't like her." [laughs] Like, of course,
she had so much to say. Catherine had so much to say. We
found out so much about her. She loves trashy novels. She speaks
French by the way. And so what we did instead was she wanted to
be able to write letters to her sister on the computer. So we
helped her set up an email account, got her connected to
like, her nearby libraries where she lives so she can get on the
internet and send her sister emails, figured out some
positioning for the keyboard so she could type a little bit
better. But, you know, it's these funny things that happen
sometimes. Catherine didn't have anything to say to her behavior
specialists. She was probably communicating in other ways but
verbally, she was referred because she was nonverbal.
Catherine had a whole lot to say. But she wasn't talking to
her behavior specialist because she just didn't like her, so she
said. Hey, that sounds pretty awesome.
Rule Number Two: people will never be ready for communication
systems or devices unless we give it to them to try. So
again, this isn't all about AT systems, assistive technology,
or augmentative and alternative communication, also known as
AAC. This is about other things though, too. Again, I mentioned
the soft AT, that support side. But there's other things we can
use too, that, frankly, aren't considered assistive technology.
So I want to share with you the story of Joseph. So Joseph was
referred to us. He lives up in my neck of the woods in Central
Pennsylvania. And the family-- he was in a family living
situation. They were trying really hard to get to know him
but they just weren't feeling like they were getting anywhere.
They didn't know what to do. They said he doesn't talk, he
won't look at us. They just weren't sure where to go. So I
got a request and I went and met with he and his family. And you
know what ended up happening? We used post-it notes for yes and
no. He had really subtle body movements and even more subtle
head movements and even more subtle eye movements. So I did
two post-it notes. One I wrote Yes, the other I wrote No. And
how he would sit, he would sit on a chair kind of hunched over,
kind of crossing his arms on his chest and hunched over, and his
arms would be resting on top of his thighs. And he did this
little rock and his head would always be, he'd always be kind
of looking down. And so what I did I put a post it note for
Yes, on one leg of his and the post-it note for No went on the
other leg of his. And I sat kind of very much on the floor kind
of under him, so I could kind of see his eyes and his head. And I
started asking him questions. Some were easy questions, and I
apologized and how ridiculously you know, like, simplistic the
questions were, but I wanted I was explaining to him, I wanted
to make sure I got it right. And so it wasn't a test because I
knew he had a lot to say. But at the end of the day, this worked
really well for him. He has very quick eye movements, and then we
reconfirmed these eye movements. I would ask him, you know, did
he have a favorite thing in the house and he would in-- you
know, and he indicated Yes, he did a very quick glance at Yes.
And we figured out what it was it was this, this truck, he was,
I think he was 11 years old at the time. And it was this yellow
Tonka truck, metal Tonka truck, and he just loved this. And the
family living person came out then, and she confirmed it.
She's like, "He absolutely adores this truck." Like well,
he just told me, and I showed her what we were doing. They
started just using post-it notes throughout the home, you know,
for when it was time to eat, you know, what does he want for
dinner that night, and they would go and rotate through
questions and options of what he might want to eat. Again, really
easy stuff.
Rule Number Three: everyone communicates, we don't always
hear it. We don't always hear it. So I want to tell you about
Stephen. Stephen has-- I'm doing air quotes--"behaviors". Stephen
slaps himself very hard on the side and top of his head-- and
just please know I'm changing everyone's name. Okay. You know,
for privacy. Although everyone who I am speaking of has given
me permission to share their stories. Stephen also engages in
what is called property destruction, screaming, all very
clear forms of communication. We were not hearing it like that.
"We" meaning that global We, the system, was seeing it as
behavioral and seeing it as something that needed to be
stopped, something that needed to be curtailed, something that
should not be happening. Now, I will tell you, being in the
presence with Stephen when he was slapping himself was
painful, you could hear the pain he was in. That was the best way
he had... those mechanisms were the best way he had at that time
to get his point across. I will tell you once his team really
came together around him and really started paying attention.
Because he didn't just slap himself to slap himself. He
slapped himself when things got to the point he felt he had no
other options to get his point across. They started picking up
on these more subtle, nuanced things that he did before he had
to up the ante. And guess what? The slapping, it still happens.
The property destruction still happens with screaming, it still
happens, but not near with as much frequency and now they
understand that when these things do happen, he's mad. He's
ticked off. Because we weren't listening to him. His team got
it. And things really changed for him.
Rule Number Four: you do not need an advanced degree, a
license, or fancy equipment to hear people. I'm gonna say it
again: you do not need a degree, an advanced degree, any kind of
degree, a license, or fancy equipment to hear people. This
is about human connection. This is about being with another
human being and being present and listening to them. I want to
share with you Marie. Marie lives in a fairly large
residential facility and she doesn't have reliable movement
of her body. We'll just say that she cannot count on any body
part moving when she wants it to move. Frankly, it's usually the
opposite: her body moves when she doesn't want it to move. So
I met with she and her team. And I spent a little bit of time,
again talking with them, telling them why I was there what they
hoped would happen for Marie. And I was hoping for Marie in
time to share what she hoped to happen as well. And as I'm
talking with her, another couple of her supporters joined the
room, they weren't there for the first part, they joined the
room. And as I'm talking to Marie, I'm telling her that,
Marie, I want to hear what you have to say, the people in the
room want to hear what you have to say you have important things
in you that we want to help you get out, and we want to honor
and listen to you. And she began openly weeping. Tears streaming
down her face. And as I'm talking to her, and I'm seeing
this, those couple newbies that came in that joined in, I said,
"Oh, my gosh, I need tissues and I need tissues." They said, "Oh
Jess, that's just water streaming out of her eyes." I
could not believe it. Water streaming out of her eyes. I
think those are called tears. And I think that's emotion. And
I think she's feeling what I'm saying very deeply. And it's
powerful. And it's emotional for her because I'm guessing no
one's maybe ever said that to her. And I'm not saying that
those of us at Networks', myself, any of us have all the
answers. But there's these moments that are just powerful.
Someone is moved to tears because you tell them that you
want to hear what they have to say. It it still leaves me you
know, really struggling for words of how to convey the
gravity of that.
Rule Number Five: we have to listen with more than our ears.
It takes our heart, our mind, our body and our soul. We have
to listen to someone with our entire being. So I want to share
with you lastly, the story of Adam. I was honored, very
honored to meet Adam two years ago. Adam has been supported
through various systems, his entire life. Adam, it was
written in all of his files, all of his paperwork everywhere that
Adam doesn't speak. Adam has behavior plans for days and days
and days. Adam had psychiatric hospitalizations for days and
days and days. We calculated at the time how old he was, and how
many psychiatric hospitalizations and days he was
in. At that point in his life, when I met him, he had been an
inpatient psychiatric, for I believe it was 15% of his life
at his very young age. This is a guy who the system really
struggled to support really, really struggled to support. So
I'm reading through and trying to get to know him. And
eventually I was able to go and meet him. And he communicated.
He spoke but not with great frequency. He spoke very
eloquently, very clearly, but only in time seemingly at very
heightened emotional states. When he was mad enough, when he
was angry enough, words would come out. And that was
interesting for me. Why was it only happening then? And I went
back to thinking about motor movement, and how the body works
and how, you know, thinking about neurobiology, all the
different sensory systems that come into play. We are complex
creatures. We humans are very complex. So spending time with
Adam. What, instead of, you know, we didn't try any
communication systems. So what we did instead was help him
figure out ways to get himself grounded enough so that he
wouldn't have to resort to getting just gut wrenchingly
angry to be able to speak. But how could he organize his body
in other ways to get out words? And so he started using a yoga
ball to bounce on he started going-- he'll walk for miles.
This guy loves to move. The more he moves, the more he's able to
speak. Wasn't that interesting? He's now speaking a couple
sentences at a time. He's hooked up with a speech language
pathologist who's helping him further with articulation and
enunciation and just helping him to be more understood. He has a
fantastic support team around him that really dug in and said,
we're gonna figure this out.
So where can we all begin? Being with people on their own
timeframes. The key is being with people. Additionally,
noticing all the ways we all communicate. Communication is
universal. We all communicate. Human beings, the one cited
their, their four legged friends earlier, every creature on this
planet communicates and hey, frankly, the earth communicates,
too. That's another topic for another day. Communication is
everywhere all the time. Okay. And we really need to be
listening to people, but using not just our ears. We need to be
listening and all sorts of other ways and really questioning what
we think we know about a person and what the papers in front of
us say about a person or what society has told us about a
person or a label. Be really inquisitive. Be really good
detectives. Just be lustful for knowledge of "well, I want to
understand you more" if the person's comfortable with that.
That's how we can listen to people better. So, at this
point, I want to see if there's other questions, other comments,
anything in the q&a? Or if there's folks that would like to
audibly share a question out loud?
No, okay.
Rosa McAllister: Jess, there were just lots of affirmatives
in in the chat area to what you've been saying. And someone
did ask about the book, The Donnellan/Leary book. And so we
did put that in there so people could find that that's in the
chat area.
Jessica Stover: Fantastic, yeah. And the book I just referenced,
I showed the video of it does have a red bind, cover to it:
"Autism: Movement Differences and Diversity". It is their -- I
forgot how many printings now, but this has been one from 2012.
Not sure which edition I'm looking now. But it's fantastic.
Regardless, both versions are fantastic.
So let me go ahead and end. This is the last slide. This is
pretty powerful. If you don't know who Ruth Sienkewicz-Mercer
is, she wrote phenomenal book, "I Raised My Eyes to Say Yes".
Please look her up. "When you can't talk, and people believe
your mind is as handicapped as your body. It's awfully
difficult to change their opinion."
So the challenge for all of us today is to go out into the
world to listen deeply, listen differently, show up, be
present, and really hear people and all the ways and all the
things they're saying now more than ever. So thank you all so
much for joining in again. If you have any questions, you can
certainly reach out. I can be reached through the website or
through email. Jessica Stover and my email is
JessicaS@networksfortraining.org. So thank you all so much for
showing up and being present today.
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